Monday, January 5th is the day. Before yesterday, I had made up my mind to look forward to this surgery – to anticipate it even. Then, of course, Friday happened. Friday is the day that my doctor informed me that upon further inspection, my tube - the only one I have left, does not appear to be in good shape, leaving only a small chance that he will be able to clear it.
My mental response: No tube, no baby - at least not without a test tube and a whole lot of money. Sigh. Sigh again. Stomp feet. Wonder “Why in the heck I am going through with this nonsense?” (I mean, besides the fact that I’ve already paid the hospital $450). Try deep breathing exercises. Shed a few tears. Sigh. Sigh some more.
So now I am face-to-face with “the essential pain of life” – that is how a very good book I once read described it. It is the pain that comes when you realize there is no fairness in life; that life's circumstances occur in a realm outside of your control; that you cannot always possess whatever it is you think you want or need.
If I could, I would run away from the essential pain of life, or go hide in a closet, or eat a whole lot of chocolate until it leaves but that would do no good. It is completely inescapable. So there is nothing left to do but embrace it – to feel all of the normal human emotions that accompany it and then move beyond it to a place of peace. Peace that I find when I accept my inability to control this situation and entrust it all - my life and well-being, my future and all my hopes - to a God whose power and wisdom is far greater than my mind can comprehend.
Perhaps this is how we learn to live by faith.
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2 comments:
My heart is believing for you, Rachel. I miss our breakfasts and I miss you. I am praying...
You're amazing and I admire you very much. And I am also praying for you.
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