statement of faith

I find it odd that my first blog here would be a statement of faith but it seems that is what this will become in the end. Odd because my blogs as of late have been rather light-hearted, generally consisting of my random thoughts about purses or playgrounds or other issues (not necessarily beginning with the letter p).

My inspiration? An article I found flipping through Real Simple. When I glanced at the title, "After God Left" I was afraid to read it - a bad habit I picked up in my earlier years when I refused to read anything with a hint of doubt about the Christian faith. Later that night I sat down to read, not some scathing commentary, but the story of a young Catholic girl and the faith she lost after the death of her older brother. As I read the author's description of her feelings of loneliess and her longing for faith, I understood her perfectly.

Some would call it the problem of pain - that seems a gross underestimation but for simplicity's sake it must do. My world, my faith, my understanding, came crashing down around me just after my nephew was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2005. He celebrated his third birthday hooked up to an I.V. in a hospital bed. I remember the feelings - intense anger, confusion, overwhelming sadness. I was scared but I allowed myself to ask questions that I had been too afraid to ask before. How do I know that God is real? How can anyone know? Is Christianity like other religions - man's attempt to cope with essential pain and frailty of life? I had no answers. I tried to talk to others about it but that left me only with a persistent and profound sense of loneliness. So I read a great deal. I cried a lot too. It was a mournful time and the most desperate time I have ever experienced. I had lost something very dear to me. I remember yearning for the security I had once found in my very comfortable, very naive set of beliefs . Sometimes I still yearn for that kind of knowing.

In the article, the author remarked that "...(doubt) is the great agitator. It breaks things open. It pushes you into the world. It makes you ask why." I'm inclined to agree. In the end, we arrived at different conclusions. She wrote that she doesn't talk to Jesus anymore, she talks with her brother instead. I remember settling the issue irrevocably the day I decided that I simply didn't possess the faith not to believe. I remember a strange yet peaceful understanding settling into my spirit when I realized that there are certain things that simply can't be known, that can only be believed. And that is how I discovered faith.