truly grateful

“Bless us, O Lord, for these thy gifts which we are about to receive and make us truly grateful.” I cannot count the times I have heard that prayer. It was the mealtime prayer of my grandfather. These warm, familiar words returned to me as I was finishing the last of my Thanksgiving cards. Thanksgiving cards – that sounds a little strange, I know. It is an odd little tradition I began after my son was born. I think that was the first year I realized what it meant to be “truly grateful.”

Throughout the year there are all sorts of people who bless our family in some way with their skill, kindness, encouragement and love. I keep a sort of mental list of these people and then some time around the second week of November, I start writing.

This year I began with a hefty chip on my shoulder. The exact reason for my bad mood seemed illusive and I didn’t have the mental energy to search it out so I procrastinated all afternoon until I finally ran out of excuses and just began writing my notes, chip still firmly in place. It didn’t take long, maybe only 5 or 6 cards, until the most wonderful thing began to happen – everything began to change. A smile replaced my frown, joy overwhelmed my meloncholy thoughts and thankfulness saturated my soul. And it was in that moment that I realized the prayer of my grandfather had been answered yet again.

adventures in hypochondria

Last week I was 99% sure I would consent to the surgery we discussed with the fertility specialist. Today I am 90% sure. It seems to depend upon the day or perhaps the hour or the minute. I am not sure.

The golden carrot dangling before me is that this whole ordeal could result in another pregnancy. And that is an intriguing possibility.

One of the reasons I cringe a little when I think of surgery is my previous tendency toward hypochondria. I do not think I am a hypochondriac today (although some might debate that statement). I am pretty good at recognizing the signs now and buffet it by allowing myself to conceive of how utterly ridiculous these thoughts would seem to anyone else. Take for example the last time I had a fever. I entertained for a few minutes the possibility that my fever, muscle pain and lethargy were attributed to some sort of encephalitis but then I remembered that my son had the same symptoms the week before. And also I had not been bitten by any mosquitoes lately. At that moment I realized that actually mentioning this thought activity to my husband would send him into a fit of laughter. It was at that point I decided that I was probably over-reacting. And as it turns out, I was right.

That being said, there is a very good chance that my upcoming surgery and recovery will not include significant loss of blood, infection caused by flesh eating bacteria, medical malpractice, disfigurement or death. There, I feel better already.

adventures in infertility

The title is a misnomer actually but it sounded kind of catchy to me so I decided to stick with it. A more accurate title would be "I can get pregnant but the darn eggs keep getting stuck in my fallopian tubes" but I thought that was a little too long.

So this morning we are in Orlando where Shaun and I will see yet another infertility specialist in our efforts for a second grubbling. This particular doctor comes highly recommended and according to his profile has a number of "novel surgical products." I was slightly disturbed when I read this. Not that I am against novel surgical products, I just thought that the wording sounded a little creepy. Semantics aside, I will soon meet the good doctor and in 15 minutes or so decide if I'm buying.

I do not like making these decisions. They loom too large in the landscape of my mind. Of course I have Shaun to help me but still it is a difficult one. And there are so many questions. Questions that we cannot answer.

Are we trying too hard? We have a great little boy, do we really need another one?

Is there a reason we only have one? It this simply our life journey?

What if we go through with this and something goes wrong, would we regret our decision?

If we do nothing, would we regret our decision?

What if this is our last and best chance for another baby? Seth would be a wonderful big brother.

Like I said, there are no answers. Maybe we will learn something today that will help us make this decision.

I am suddenly remembering a line from a song I once wrote -"We don't know what the future holds, but we know the one who holds us in the palm of his hand." At the time I was writing those lines for my nephew and our friend's new baby but perhaps there was a greater intent, one that could not have been understood at the time. Maybe I was writing for me.

So for my part, I will pray.

For Seth's part, he wants a baby - a green baby.

a few quotes for you

It seems I have unleased my inner cynic. In honor of this occasion, a few quotes from www.wisdomquotes.com:

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever. - Albert Einstein

A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected. - Carl Sandburg

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club. - Dave Barry

Anyone that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. - David Broder

There is one safeguard known generally to the wise, which is an advantage and security to all, but especially to democracies as against despots. What is it? Distrust. - Demosthenes

Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns

In our age there is no such thing as "keeping out of politics." All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia. - George Orwell

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right. - Confucius

Happy voting!

apolitical

The matter of politics is presently unavoidable. It is crowding my mail box, flooding the internet, and blocking the scenery as I drive about town. I find myself wishing desperately for November 5th when all of those signs start to disappear. I’ve looked forward to that day since May when the first signs started popping up. Let me be clear – I vote. I’ve always voted. I will continue to vote because I greatly cherish this right. My frustration is not with the electoral process; it is with the political machine and its abrasive grinding gears -the network analysis and the crazy emails and the phone calls and the talking heads. Quite simply, I do not need their voices to help me make up my mind.

compulsion and creativity

I am supposed to be writing every day now. I was actually doing this until a few weeks ago then it all got out of hand and I found myself sneaking off from my work and family to be with my story. So I had to end that little affair.

For me at least, compulsion and creativity have always been intertwined. One does not exist without the other. Perhaps that is naïve. Perhaps there is some other way. If there is, enlighten me.

snips and snails and puppy dog tails

My beautiful, wonderful, caring little boy is obsessed with weapons. He no longer plays with toys, not even monster trucks. It’s all weapons, all the time. Weapons and ropes. The ropes are to be worn around the waist as a means to store the weapons (and also to tie people up when necessary). Sticks are actually not sticks at all. They are swords, guns or a combination of the two. Acorns and nuts are, of course, bombs. Three dollars of Seth’s birthday money was used to purchase a plastic Grim Reaper ax nearly twice his size from Wal-Mart. I saw it as I approached the Halloween isle and tried desperately to divert his attention but it was no use. Shaun is apparently delighted with this new behavior. So proud that he whittled the end of one of my wooden curtain rods to resemble the point of a spear.

Part of me understands that all this is a very natural and passing stage. Seth will someday grow out of a love for daggers, and guns, and talking, clanging swords – surely he will do that. Some day he will not say things like “I will kill your heart” or “You want some of me?” So for now I just smile a bewildered smile at those comments and encourage him to move in slow motion during sword play so as to avoid whacking people in the head. When I have the chance I teach him what it means to love and treat others with respect. Sometimes I wonder if any of that makes sense to his testosterone-bathed brain. But then I hear comments like the one he told me from the back seat of the car the other day - “If you chop somebody’s leg off, that’s not very nice.” I looked at his angelic face in the rear view mirror. “That’s right, sweetheart,” I said. “It is not nice to chop someone’s leg off.” So despite all the tough talk and the weaponry, maybe he’s been listening to me after all.